This is me.

Reminders. 5-20-12

I don’t tend to think very highly of myself. It’s not that I wallow in pity or feel bad about myself, it’s just that I don’t tend to think I’m all that special. I’m constantly convinced that I’m annoying people and until I’m proven otherwise, I’ll assume you don’t like me. So I guess it makes sense that I underestimate the amount that people care for me.

Like I said, it usually takes convincing for me. Sure, I know my family and best friends do, but everyone else I just assume that for the most part, they could care less. And that’s fine. I’m not the type of person who’s going to go up and ask if I matter to them. I just won’t do it. That makes it pretty easy for me to keep on believing that they don’t care.

But then, something like last night happens. In reality, it wasn’t an ideal or even great situation. Maybe I should be embarrassed. But I think back and I can’t even focus on any of those things. The thing that sticks out the most is that I was reminded that people do care for me. That I have people that are genuine when they ask if I’m okay. That I have people who will rub my back or just give me a hug when I need it. That I have people, even people who I’m not close to, looking out for my well being. I don’t think I can explain how much that means to me.

It’s a fantastic feeling, to realize and be reminded of these things. It makes me see that I think I need to stop underestimating people. They’re better than I often give them credit for. They can surprise you in wonderful ways. And even if they don’t constantly show it, they care for you. 

Beauty. 4-18-12.

It drives me crazy when someone says “It’s such a shame. She’d be so pretty if…” I think there’s beauty in everyone if you take the time or the effort to look. The problem is that most people don’t. That’s the real shame. 

Beauty is subjective, which I think is fantastic. Can you imagine how boring it would be if every single person had the same taste in colors and design? I mean, granted, I think some things are fairly universal. I’ve never heard of someone looking at a sunset and complaining about how ugly it is. But if someone is giving you a hard time because you don’t fit in with their idea of beauty, screw ‘em. If they keep trying to make you fit their image, you don’t need them. Your time would be much better spent with people who celebrate the beauty already inside of you. Stay beautiful! 

Music. 4-11-12

I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across somebody ranting about how upset they were that there wasn’t any “real” music being made today. Now, that’s not the first time I’ve seen this mentioned. People talk like this all the time. But it just got me thinking. What qualifies music as being “real” anyway?

I’m a songwriter. So maybe that prompts me to over think topics like this. But the more I sat and thought, the more ridiculous the whole thing sounded. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t like all types of music. I’m prone to roll my eyes at stupid songs or lyrics. I admit that not all music is created equal. But to say that nothing being produced today contains enough quality to be considered “real?” That’s just absurd.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. A constant when so many other things have shifted. It’s as if no matter how crazy or boring times can get, there’s always a song or a style or a band that personifies it to a tee. Great music is the song you half-sob through as you moan your broken heart. Great music is the song you belt out when you’re so angry you can’t see straight. Great music is song that makes you want to smile or dance or jump every single time you hear it. Music can transcend whatever situation you find yourself facing.

People who argue that there’s no “real” music today tend to point back to the 1960’s and 1970’s. They use The Beatles as a main example, with their beautiful lyrics about a boy who just wants to hold your hand. And I can’t argue there. The Beatles wrote fantastic words that are always going to be remembered. I just don’t agree with the fact that their lyrics are always paired with some hip hop or rap verse as if to say, “look how stupid people are today.” Let It Be is one of my all time favorite songs but I’ve never blasted it in a car filled with my best girlfriends as we drive off on some crazy adventure.

Everything has a place. If a song cheers you up, I think that’s real music. If a song has a great beat that makes you want to dance, I think that’s real music. If a song takes the words you’ve been trying to formulate right out of your mouth, I think that’s real music. If a song gets you pumped up before a big game or event, I think that’s real music. If a song calms you down and reminds you that somebody somewhere feels the same as you, that’s real music. I can think of at least one song that fits each of these instances. And that’s just ones that are currently in circulation on the radio. There are so many fantastic bands and artists of every single genre just waiting for you to discover them. Do a little searching if you’re feeling disappointed in the quality of the industry today. But do me a favor - don’t give up completely. Look around. Try seeing the music you’re constantly bombarded with through a fresh pair of eyes. You might find it’s more “real” than you could have imagined.

One Year. 3-19-12.

It’s been a year. A whole year and I still found myself sobbing this weekend. A year and I can remember the exact moment everything else fell out of focus. A year and it still doesn’t feel real.

The text message telling me the news, the follow-up phone call I made because I was sure it had to be some sick joke, the phone calls I made to friends who knew him better than I did, the way I hoped they knew and that I wouldn’t have to be the one to tell them, the fact that I did have to tell one of his best friends - I couldn’t bear the thought of him finding out over something like Facebook - and how it was one of THE worst things I’ve ever had to do, the texts, calls, and chats with people over the next couple hours, the inability to really communicate anything of substance, the song I wrote because it was the only way I knew how to process it, the fact that all I wanted was a hug from my mom and she just happened to be away that weekend, the hours spent at a friend’s house that night where we hardly spoke but couldn’t stand to be alone, the tears that ran down my face, never stopping, during church the next morning, the drive in one of the worst storms of the year to just be with more friends, the confusion and chaos of it all.

And then of course there were the articles that followed. There was the candlelight service we held at school. There was the memorial service itself. There was the procession to the grave site, the entire way lined with people expressing their gratitude for your sacrifice, beautiful signs, and more American flags than I could count. There was the burial and more speeches from his family. There was the gun salute and the flag folding.

It’s been a year and it still feels surreal. He made such an impact, and not only in this town. He won’t be forgotten. Today especially, we remember.

Anchors. 3-6-12

Do you ever notice how much we rely on the little things in life? We say we like change but there are all these structured little details that we cling to. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. It’s just that I think there are things we take for granted. Little things that don’t really matter in the long run. We might not even realize them until they’re suddenly changed or absent. They’re important because they’re anchors of sorts, stable when everything else is whirling in chaos.

They sneak up on us, too. For the past three weeks, I have pulled into the parking lot on Tuesday and Thursday mornings two cars behind a dark blue Nissan Cube. The driver parks a row in front of me and I know that I’ll see him in my class later that afternoon. This happens if I leave when I’m supposed to, it happens if I get out the door a couple minutes early, it happens if I run a little late. Every Tuesday and Thursday. But today I was driving another car and I had to stop along the way to pick something up. And I didn’t pull in behind the dark blue Nissan Cube. And when we walked to the parking lot after class, it was parked in a completely different spot. Such a little thing, but I just felt thrown somehow. 

So, acknowledge the little things for what they are. Appreciate them, no matter how ridiculous they may seem. A dark blue Nissan Cube is such a small detail in the big picture. But we all have little details like this, little things we notice, little facts that we cling to for no apparent reason. Appreciating the details that seem to work like clockwork when we feel a little lost and adrift…. I think that’s okay. I think that’s something to smile about.